Why good advice can still be wrong for your baby

If you’ve spent any time looking for baby advice online, you’ve probably noticed something confusing.

One person says to do one thing. Another says to do the exact opposite.

Sometimes they’re both pediatric physical therapists.

So who’s right?

The answer is often: both of them (or neither of them. Or maybe just one of them).

The challenge is that good advice is usually meant for a specific situation. When that context gets left out, parents are left wondering what they’re supposed to do.

I was recently reminded of this during a therapy session.

A father had seen a pediatric physical therapist on Instagram demonstrate a simple trick for babies learning to crawl. The therapist wrapped a soft headband around the baby’s thighs while the baby was on their hands and knees. The idea was to keep the knees from sliding apart.

His son was just beginning to learn this position and like the baby in the video, his knees would slide outward.

“Should we try that?” he asked.

For his baby, my answer was no.

Not because the idea was bad. Because it solved the wrong problem. The therapist wasn’t wrong. She was likely thinking about a different kind of baby than the one sitting in front of me.

As we brought him up into hands and knee position, he tried to move forward immediately. Wrapping a band around his legs may help keep his legs together, but it would also make it harder for him to experiment with movement.

Instead, I suggested that the parents sit behind him with their own legs gently supporting the outside of his knees. As he tried to crawl forward, they could easily adjust their position while still allowing him to move freely.

The goal for this child wasn’t simply to keep his knees together. We wanted to support his movement without getting in the way of it.

Now picture a baby with a different challenge. 

Some babies have much lower muscle strength. They work hard just to stay on their hands and knees as their legs slowly slide apart. This type of baby needs help to allow them to stay in the position.

For this baby, a headband around the thighs might be helpful. By giving a little extra stability, it allows the baby to stay in the position and build the strength it needs.

I don’t know the therapist who made the video, but I’d be willing to bet she usually works with this type of baby. 

I think what makes it hard for parents to decipher all the available information is that most of the advice is good advice for a specific circumstance. That’s why it often makes sense when you hear it but then doesn’t work out the way you expected.

I used to collect advice from almost anyone who was willing to give it. Sometimes it helped. Often time it didn’t. Eventually I realized the problem wasn’t the advice itself. I simply wasn’t playing the same game as the person giving the advice.

Over the last couple of years I have gotten better at figuring this out. First, I realized that I needed to understand the person’s perspective for giving the advice. I would suspect that the person in the Instagram video had worked with several kids who were very weak and thus did not have much desire to move out of the hands and knees position because they were working so hard just to maintain it.

This perspective is different from the circumstances of this particular child who is typically developing and very motivated to move.

The second thing I figured out has more to do with people close to us who give advice. The people who love us most are incentivized to give safe advice. If we dream big we might get disappointed. We might fail.

So if a loved one seems to be talking you out of your dream, know that it comes from a place of love. Listen to their objections because they may have some valid concerns, but ultimately make the decision that best fits your circumstances and goals rather than their perspective.

Whether you’re trying to help your baby crawl or trying to make a big life decision, I’ve found it helpful to ask the following questions:

What experiences led this person to give this advice?

What incentives do they have to give this advice?

Once you understand the perspective behind the recommendation, it’s much easier to decide whether it fits your situation.

Good advice isn’t universal.

It’s contextual.

FAQ

Why do experts sometimes give different advice about babies?

Babies may look similar while struggling with the same skill, but the underlying reason they’re struggling can be very different. One baby may need more support to build strength, while another simply needs room to move and experiment. Good therapists often recommend different approaches because they’re solving different problems. Asking good questions to understand why the advice was given will help you understand whether the advice applies to you and/or your baby.